Dating two years and no i love you
Know that a lopsided relationship is not sustainable. I think this is really very clearly a situation where you have to move on. You deserve to love someone who loves you. The came up as a conversation about where we stand and when I let him know of my feelings toward him. He was clear that he did not want to lie or say "I love you" without meaning it. He feels hopeful about it happening down the line, but is also unsure and sad that we may not be able to have a future if he doesn't get there.
My worry is related to whether it generally takes people this long to fall in love and whether or not I should wait. It is difficult because we are moving forward in the relationship in other ways - making future plans, moving in together, going on vacations and trips, and taking each other home and meeting our families.
Honey, do you want to be with someone who's with you because they just kept on doing the next steps "and then we moved in together, and then we met each others' families, and then.. I don't think this is a question the Internet can answer. The only thing that matters is how you two feel and see the word. In your shoes, I'd go to couples therapy. I know I recommend that a lot, but that's because it really works -- it helps you understand what's going on between the two of you, and it can help you shift what's going on with the two of you -- unlike random strangers on the internet whose opinions are shaped by other relationships and their own histories.
You two are the only ones who matter here, and you need help understanding him, understanding yourself, and deciding if this is or can become a relationship that really works for you. For him, love may not be a requirement for a long-term relationship. Maybe comfort, convenience, regular sex, someone to wash his socks, or whatever, is enough. But fuck that noise, it should be. And you should decide for both of you that it should be. Him feeling "defensive" for you "pressuring him" is like so much bullshit that I can't even describe how much bullshit that is.
Just monumental bullshit, right there. It makes me strongly suspect his mind is in a highly self-involved place where stupid stereotypes and tropes are given too much validity, like he's "entitled" not to be "nagged" and a nagging emotional woman is "wrong" and "selfish" and deserves "guilt.
Most of all I want to tell you to be free of guilt. Be light-hearted and clear-headed, be strong. You are not hysterical, or weak, or illogical, or ruining a good thing. You are not an annoying nag cramping his style. Just fuck all of that, and feeling like that. Set this child-man free, and try to do it with compassion. He doesn't know what's good for him because he's emotionally immature. You're going to have to be the grown-up. I can't, in my wildest dreams, imagine staying in a relationship for more than a year and a half with someone I didn't love. If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now.
After I hit post, I felt I should qualify "staying in a relationship for more than a year and a half with someone I didn't love. I can imagine staying in a relationship past the point where that has faded. Butt SOME level of love - even the same kind of love you feel for your best friend - seems like a necessary foundation of a long-term relationship. Love means so many things, so it's worth trying to find out why he doesn't want to say it if he cares about you, would do anything for you, and wants to be with you for the long haul.
If someone says "I love you" after a week, they're crazy. After a month, likely smitten, infatuated. After 6 months, maybe excited about where things are going and able to know you well enough for there to be some real truth behind it - but still, not really what I'd call love. There's something delicious, though, about the pre-I-love-you period.
It doesn't take long for the first, amazing, reciprocal "I love you" to turn into the morning-kiss-goodbye "I love you", and the end-of-phone-call "I love you". I would almost recommend all couples go back to very, very rarely saying "I love you", because then you're forced to think about what you actually mean and feel when you get smooshy positive feelings about your partner. Maybe "I care about you" or "I respect you" or "I trust you" or "My heart melts when I look at your eyes" or "my stomach does backflips when I see you after we've been apart" or "I want you" or "I need you" or "I admire your goofiness" or "I feel so happy and content when I'm around you" or a million other things.
You need to work out what it means to you, and what you feel like the relationship is missing when you don't hear him say it. And so does he. If I were to guess based on life experience, I'd say he wants to break up but can't admit it to himself, let alone you. It shouldn't be this hard. I am all for therapy -- it's like physical therapy for your brain! Maybe y'all need to slow down on the commitment indicators until you are more aligned with each other emotionally.
I think I dated this guy No, my high school sweetheart, we were together on and off for years, and I knew he loved me, but he couldn't say it. We're great friends now, but I'm happily married to someone else who has been telling me he loves me for fifteen years now. I've been dating someone for over six months, and neither of us have said the word love, but I am sure that he does. I think he would probably have said it earlier, but that would have been way too early for me, and I'm happy leaving it unsaid for now, because I know we'll get to it.
If he'd said it earlier, I would have said it was too early for me, but I could see myself feeling that later. But I think this works because both of our actions are very clear about our feelings, and we've been open about other things, and our 'love language' is very much actions and time, not words. If his actions are what you want and expect from someone you love and that loves you, and his actions make you feel loved and secure, I think it's worth giving him time to reach the point that he can say he loves you.
But I wouldn't do anything permanent like get engaged or a mortgage until he's there, unless it's something you can live without. But if everything else isn't perfect, listen to your gut and maybe this isn't the relationship for either of you. If his definition of love is so narrow and specific that he can't apply it to someone he's in a serious long-term relationship with and wants to be with forever, he should be able to provide at least a cursory explanation why he doesn't consider his feelings for you to be love. In the beginning stages of a relationship, "do I love them?
Everyone's yardstick is different, but I'd have trouble staying in a serious relationship with someone who didn't know they loved me by about the six-month mark. I'd have a lot of trouble staying with someone who answered "do you love me? Your boyfriend doesn't, for some reason. He sounds like he'd be happy with things as they are indefinitely. I doubt that will change. That seems very strange, but it is true that different people mean different things by "love".
I tend to love easily but would need more time to feel comfortable planning the rest of my life with someone. The usual advice applies though: If he can't do that, then maybe he is not the right partner. Also, just for reference: I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 4 months, and people are asking us when we're going to get married.
He said "I love you" first, after about 4 and a half to 5 and a half months. I honestly can't remember how fast in previous relationships "I love you" was said, but I am sure it was less than a year. I think this is fairly standard but of could not tell you exact averages without conducting polls.
So here are someone else's polls: Plenty more are easily Google-able. Now, this is not exactly Einstein level science I mean, duh but there does seem to be a consensus and it's not "1. This really nails the issue and might explain why so many of us are saying from experience to cut your losses now.
It's an enormous red flag potentially indicating someone who knows they want all the trappings of a long-term stable relationship, but who is willing to use you to get those trappings before he's sure that he wants those things with you. Further, this is a red flag that he will continue to keep stringing you along while he tries to decide whether he can live with settling for you, and sees nothing wrong with asking that of you.
Please don't underestimate the damage that chasing his love will do to you and your relationship while he tries to figure it out; even if he finally decides he does love you after another year, what damage will have been done to your relationship in the meantime? Or to your self-worth?
It also sets up a potentially problematic power imbalance in your relationship that could be really difficult to drop even if he does change his mind about loving you. Your time is absolutely precious - don't waste it planning a future with someone who won't even commit to loving you. Just be mindful not to waste your invaluable time and love on someone who is literally telling you explicitly that he is unwilling or incapable of returning it.
It's possible to get complicated and interesting about the definition of love, and sure there are some probably wrong-headed notions we have via Hollywood. And there are some cultures in which romantic, sexualized, monogamous love isn't considered foundational for marriage. But you didn't grow up with that script or those expectations. Imo the definition of love I think most of us are operating under normative love, of course there are exceptions can be pretty simply expressed.
There's something sexual in it, something friendly, clear preference above other candidates because the sexy stuff and friendliness are so great, and commitment. It doesn't shouldn't take more than 18 months to establish whether those elements are present. Honestly, it's just a word. From your description, you have a very good relationship with this person. Other than this, do you have any reasons to doubt his commitment to you? I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year, and I rather foolishly told her that I loved her. It doesn't mean that we wouldn't do anything for each other or that we're not planning on being together for a long time; it just means that she isn't comfortable expressing herself in that context, and honestly, neither am I.
You've just got to give it time. Try not to get wrapped up in this one thing and tree and see the forest for the trees in what seems like a pretty solid and fulfilling relationship. It boggles my mind that people are suggesting that you dump him or suggest going to therapy with him over this. I just wanted to tell you that you have no obligation to do this go out of your way to take the pressure off and that having these conversations with him isn't about you "acting out in insecurity. I was with a man who told me this and it did a doozy on my self esteem over time. I think for him it partially had to do with divorce issues he'd encountered growing up - he didn't want to profess his love to anyone unless it was sure beyond a doubt that we'd be together forever and he'd raised that bar to level that I think it would have been difficult to clear regardless of the quality of our relationship.
So, that's just to say that it's probably not about you.
That's not to say that you should wait around for him to work through his stuff, though. Your time is valuable.
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I've been this shitty guy, and i've watched my friends be this shitty guy or person or be with this shitty guyperson. Please just break up. This is the worst mid 20s commitmentphobe dude bullshit. Either he doesn't really like you, or he's being the classic brood emotionally unclear dude thing. It will fade again, and he will become weird brooding uncertain dude again.
These guys need to date themselves until they figure out what the hell they want. And please, don't take it too hard when 6 months after you break up he's engaged to someone else. He Just Wasn't That Into You and was to much of a manchild to actually pull the trigger and break up. This is like, undergrad college wishy washy BS. Please take my word for this. I really have been this guy. Okay so, I have a friend who is going through a similar thing. She and her boyfriend have been together 9 months, and he just recently was able to say "I love you. Recently, she confided in me that the sex isn't great with her boyfriend, and he doesn't enjoy kissing her.
In fact, it sounds like their relationship is pretty crappy, the more I hear about it. So I kind of feel like, he knows their relationship isn't great and that's why he didn't want to say "I love you" and seal the deal. However, he has now been guilted into it and maybe they'll go on to get married and have terrible sex and not ever kiss. So if the "I love you" thing is just a portion of your problems, and in the back of your head you know this relationship isn't super great, I would suggest that you end it.
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You deserve to be with someone who drives you wild, and so does he! Normally I would say that his actions seem to indicate love and that perhaps u just define it differently.
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For me love isn't sparks and magic, it's a deep connection with an intentional decision to love, commit, endure, cherish etc. It is practical but it is real. For other people love is a passionate flame and fireworks and if they don't feel the sparks it isn't love. So there is possibly that. However, I also have a hard time imagining cohabitating and planning a future with someone I don't love. And then telling th it might happen because, I don't want to feel like I've lost if they've left and the "what if I made a mistake" feeling.
Its been a year and a half and like someone stated before your time is precious. What if he never loves you? Can you live with that? Will you be happy?
Long Term Couples Who Haven't Said "I Love You" Yet
I don't think so. And there's nothing wrong with not being ok with it, most people want to be loved. On top of that most people give out love more willingly. I don't think love usually takes this long and clearly it's already caused damage. I think you should figure out your living situation and move on. OP, could this possibly be cultural? Even though you didn't say it.. I am wondering if you or your boyfriend are from a culture where the word love isn't so easily expressed. Anyway, it seems weird that he's holding back on saying it, especially when he's talking about the future with you and knows that it deeply matters to you Who knows why he's being so constrained about this.
It's a weird situation, and I'm sorry you're going through it. It's totally reasonable to expect the person you're committing to be with, to say that they love you, in whatever shape or form that takes. Not saying "I love you" but expressing it other ways is one thing What does your gut say? Or is your gut overwhelmed by confusion over this? If so, I think you should take a break from each other, and then reassess after some time and distance. To expand on what i said above, a lot of people do this thing with a lot of situations in life.
Lets say you walk around for almost your entire lunch hour and can't decide where to eat. Eventually you go in to a new place that looks pretty good, and your friends said it's good. You order a chicken and rice plate, which is supposed to be their specialty. I think you misunderstood what I said. And not everyone gets married after a certain amount of time. But think about the definition of the word "love". But, imagine your SO saying 'Hey, I love you, and sorry, don't believe you're the person I would like to marry Marriage is with someone you trust, love, and believe have the qualities to share your money and have kids with.
You can "date" anyone, you don't "marry" anyone. So sorry, if someone you're dating - especially after two years - doesn't say ILY or says ILY, but can't put a ring on it, they may like you a lot, but the sure don't love you. Ok, yes, not all people are on the same time frame, but still if you don't know where you stand with your SO after two years of dating not shacking up, friends, coworkers , then I don't know how much more time you need to figure it out.
Some people wait a while to marry.
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They want to focus on career, school, etc. But I know of couples who married while both worked on school, career, etc That's what a marriage is, two people planning a "life" together. I know of a couple where the guy said they lived together over a decade and one day decided to make it official. Well, so far they've been together for over thirty years So, makes me wonder if he just is with her even though she may cheat because he can't do better and she's with him for convenience money.
So sorry, not the kind of marriage I would like to be in I want someone to make an informed and desired decision to be with "me" - not be default or because they've been around me for a minute. SarahK Send a private message. I was thinking Jared. The standard you describe sounds like it would come from a woman more in love with the security a man could bring than the man himself. And I disagree that commitment can only be proven by wasting thousands on a worthless rock.
Edited on November 12, at How are things otherwise? How often do you see each other? Have you met his family and friends --both close friends and less close? Now I'm wondering should I let go while I can or not. I am at a loss for what I am feeling. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months and I love him dearly. Back in January I told him I was in love with him and wanted to know how he felt and what he wanted or where he seen this relationship going and he told me he needed to think about it.
They returned with a I don't know but I know that I don't love you. So I walked away broken hearted a few weeks later he was calling and asking me to come over so we started spending a lot of time together and planning for the future. We ate looking at getting a house together but I'm not sure if we should if he can't or don't love me. I tell him I love him daily without a reply verbally but he does things for me that make me feel loved so I just don't know what to do. This speaks to me so much. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 months.
We have made each other happy I've been told many times that I have brought fun back into his life and that he cares for me deeply. Yesterday he sat me down and we had a really hard rel conversation. He told me that he feels like by the 10 month mark he should have the feeling of love for me but he doesn't. We have had several conversations about the L word in the past and he's told me that he doesn't know what being in love means anymore.
He has recently ended a 12 year relationship 6 months before we got together. In my opinion he does love me he shows me everyday I think he's very confused as to what love is,I think he's waiting on some magical feeling to sweep over him I don't know I might be naive and it might be wishful thinking I'm just not ready to give up on him yet He told me last night he's not ready to just let this relationship go.
But how long is too long? Is there such a thing when your with a person who makes you so incredibly happy and fits you in every way????????? This is pretty much my issue word-for-word except me and my boyfriend broke up thanks to him not knowing if he loved me or what he wanted from a relationship. We had an amazing relationship, made each other happy and I could tell he loved me.
I am with my boyfriend for officially a year 1 and 4 months since we started dating. I told him ages ago about after 7months of being together that I loved him, but never heard anything back. It didn't really bother me, as he's such a good person, cares about be, supports me. But at one pointed it got stuck in my head so much I had to speak to him. Unfortunately, he's absolutely terrible when it comes to expressing his emotions.
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He avoided the subject for a long time. Once, we got a chance to discuss it, he said he's not sure what he's feeling right now. Also said, he wants to be with me and cares about me. He also 'compared' our relationship to his ex ones and said when he looks at it now, he never really was in love. So, that's why he doesn't really know what he's feeling. I am currently staying at his for 3 months, we get on together so well and these words are stuck in my head and I feel like they will never go away, and staying here makes me feel such big pressure.
I thought it was fine with me if he's not ready yet, but I just can't stop thinking about it. I don't wanna make fool of myself. It's all so confusing, like his actions say he loves me but he's not able to say it. As much as I wanna be with him, do I really can handle it? It's so confusing because they say "Don't believe his words, believe his action. But ha said he doesn't love me and it has been over eight months, if he feels, he knows. That broke me cause I still here, believing his action but his words said no? He had been in bad relationships before and got his new definition of love that seems complicated and wrong to me.
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